You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize