My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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