Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
