Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize