I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
