Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
