you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
