Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
