i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
