EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
