I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
