Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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