I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
