farters have to be the big spoon...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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