I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
