my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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