We're like a lot better than the average bears
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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