I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
