Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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