Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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