There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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