So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
