She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
