fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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