Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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