my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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