3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
