If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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