i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Green mimosas i think yes
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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