How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
