Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
