i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
