So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
