Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
