you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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