I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I need to stop coming to work sober
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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