Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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