Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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