Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
