Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
