Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
