There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
