She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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