Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
i think my cat just said my name.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize