Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
