totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
