it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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