We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
