I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
