WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
