I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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