ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We have started to decorate penises.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
