Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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