Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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