I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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