I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
