Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
