i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
