1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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