Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
