i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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