You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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