you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
