You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
two words: eviction party
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
