it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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