my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
